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Friday, 13 June 2008

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Sunday, 26 March 2006

Completely out of whack

Current mood: melancholy

Completely out of whack
i am just a bunch of anger ...
mix in birth control pills
full time college student
full time job at the goddard school as a preschool asistant teacher(well for now we are still working on the teaching degree part)
my boyfriend goes through these timely episodes ... and it always seems to be around the same month ... no it is not pms it is worse it is called "bills"
to see him go through so much stress i wish i made enough money to help
i mean really help
i can only do so much
it does weigh on my mind a lot but hey i love him thats what i do ... i want to try and make everything all better
my mind is not on striaght right now ... i can feel my emotions losing control
i am trying to calm myself down but i can only do so much
every chance i get i snap at the people i love and care about ... proabaly knowing i can get away with it ... i dont know
its really hard to tell sometimes how i am trully feeling
my feelings change so much
i find it difficult keeping track of my feelings on a certain matters ...
like i am bipolar on decisions and how i feel about people and things in general
not the best thing to be going through
i hope i can just calm myself down wait out the battle and hope to wake up to everything back to normal
did i mention i have a ring?
a pretty shinny ring ... on my left hand ... on my ring finger ... hellz yeah
i am so getting married to this man ...
you wait and see it will be a while from now but i will ... cause i love him
i love him a whole bunch!!!
i can never stop thinking about him ... sometimes i really miss sleeping in the same bed with him when i am at my moms house ... but when i am with him and getting hit in the middle of the night and being woken up by snoring and god only knows what type of sleep talk lol ...oh but i love him for it ... every second ...
yeah yeah yeah i know i am disgusting but it comes with ther territory! of being madly in love!

Monday, 23 May 2005

Current mood: content

Current music: "Smile like you mean it" by the killers

i never stopped crying that night until i saw Gordon
me and mike broke up after almost 8 months of love ... and i must say it got bad at the end ... he really didnt treat me well and he realized that after i told him how i felt ... we had goodbye sex and it was not good at all ... i had to choose between mike and this other guy ... i slept with someone else but mike never did give me his answer about whether we were monogomus or not ... i love him but i relaize now that i am not in love with him anymore ... and this other guy who i am now dating is 23 and i am truly falling for him ... i am happy and content and that is really all that matters to me!

Friday, 20 May 2005

Current mood: Completely LOST

*tears fall down her face*
i need to make my decision and i dont want to hurt anyone but i know i have to make this decision ... i cant date two people can i? can i really love 2 different people ... what am i going to do i dont want to loose one of them i am really fucked up in my head right now ... i dont know what to do ... should i try ... should i try and give him another chance to redeem himself ... i dont want to loose him ... i dont know whats gong on anymore ... i enver see him ... he never says he loves me ... he never shows it ... i dont feel like i am important enough to him ... what am i going to do? ... i am falling for someone else and my heart is being torn into two pieces ... no matter how long someone holds me its not going to be fixed doing nothing ... i dont want to loose him ... *crys* ... i cant i love him too much but whatr has he doen for me lately ... i dont know how i will tell him ... i dont know how he will respond ... i dont know how i will be effected ... yes i do know how i will feel ... i do know how i will respond ... i will break down ... the man who truly is falling in love with me is going to have to deal with my broken heart ... i am going to be hurting so much ... i dont know what i am going to do ... i fucked it all up ... 2 greatest weeks of my life ... have turned into a nightmare that i have to deal with ... what if i choose wrong ... what if i am suppose to stay with one of them and i choose the other ... i am so broken up over this ... that i am literly in tears writing this ... in the middle of school no doubt ... no one can help me now ... somethings would just be easier if i werent here ... if i could just leave now ... leave this world qucikly so i could love two people and not have to be hurt and hurt one of them ... its the easiest and stupidest way out i know ... but i cant help but think sucidal at this moment ...thank god i have him ... the one guy who has shown me so much in just these last few weeks ... i truly am falling for him ... but what do i do about the boy i already love?

Monday, 04 April 2005

Easter weekend i teched for the easter service at howard.
I went to larp on saturday and me, dori, and erin went to marley station and had so much fun hanging out
Came home and mike stummbled into my bed late at night
Woke up to him being my easter bunny present ... then having to go to the school to finish my tech work
Then i went back to bed and had alittle fun :)
Tuesday mike had a small gamers party and invited me, jamie, gavin, and chance.
His mom was out of town so we drank a lot and he made sure i stayed the night lol ... i had so much fun i was just one of the guys until gavin proposed to me lol ...
They were having peeing races to see who could pee outside at the same tree the longest lol ...
Wednesday i slept in until 5pm once i got to my house since i went to bed at 7am and woke up at 9am to clean up and go drive home from mikes house
Went to dennys and met up with Dwight and we worked on the plot and story on kat and mikie (our larp characters)
Woke up friday morning a 430am and got to mikes house around 530 and we got to nyc at around 10 we met up with melissa around 12 and had lunch ...
Then we went to sin city while melissa went back to her classes ... sin city rocked!!!
Then we went to go see pillowman on broadway at 8pm and it was amazingly twizted and hilarious
Then we went out drinking and had a great time ... not just good but great i had so much fun with melissa and mike and i am glad to have met her ...
went to bed around 4 am or so and got up aorund 8 am ... we got onto a bus to drive us to newjersey instead of waiting until 2pm for a ferry ride which we took in the beginning to get to nyc ... we missed the stop and was lost in new jersey for alittle while walking around until we found a rite aid then got a cab to the port liberte where my car was parked... i drove home so tired and mike got to sleep the whole way home ... got to his house and took a shower ... mmm then i left to go to larp
Picked up erin and played at larp and went to bed around 3am or so
that was my spring break